maybe this is too personal. maybe this isn’t something y’all want to hear or SHOULD hear. but this is me. i wear my heart on my sleeve and y’all know that about me. i’m sometimes too open and embarrassingly real. but that’s who i am. so when i tell you about what’s going on in my life, don’t hold it against me. photography is my therapy. it’s my form of expression. this blog is sort of a journal for me. so i apologize if things get a little too deep for ya sometimes. 😉
so… here i am, about to jump off the cliff. i am going to bare my soul and you’ll see right through me. please be kind.
i have tried really hard to keep all of this together, lately. but now it’s been too much for me to handle. everything is overflowing and i’m drowning. i need a way out, but keep getting pulled under. i can’t handle it anymore and i’m about to go under. see… my family is going through a transition. my parents have decided that it’s best if they love each other from a distance and are going to be apart for awhile, a.k.a. separation. i know, i know. they’ll probably kill me for sharing our dirty little secret, but at this point it doesn’t matter. it’ll be obvious soon enough anyway. 😛 now, i had no idea this would affect me as deeply as it has. i mean, i’m not in middle school. i know that people go through things far worse than this, yet this has really broken me. i hate to see how it affects my sisters, especially ariel. i hate to think of how we’ll spend the holidays now. i just hate what is happening. me trying to be a know-it-all, wanted to fix it. i tried so hard to help make things better and was thoroughly disappointed when it still failed. i didn’t understand why it wasn’t working. why things weren’t getting better. why my family was still falling apart. i know that was a lot to take on and that it’s not my responsibility, but i just wanted everything to be better. i wanted to have a happy ending. i didn’t want us to be broken. i hate how sad everything is now and that i cry at the drop of a hat. i mean, this is worse than any breakup i’ve ever experienced. i don’t know how to cope with this at all. i’m sorry if this is too much information for y’all. this is just what i’m going through now and it’s taken a toll on my outlook.
part of me feels so broken and defeated. i just don’t understand how to even deal with this. then the other part of me feels selfish for letting this affect me so much when there are people out there dying of cancer and losing their loved ones. i’m just like, “gosh, ashley. stop having such a pity party. there are things out there so much bigger than this. get over it.” i wrestle with these thoughts every day. the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is knowing that somehow God will turn all of this into good for His glory. right now, all i see is pain and hurt. i see broken hearts and lost love. i see the hurt in my sisters’ eyes and it kills me. it literally breaks my heart, like, i’m crying as i’m writing this. nose running, red eyes, the works haha. i’m a hot mess. i just hate not being able to do anything about it. i’m a fixer. i want to FIX this… but i can’t. my heart hurts so much. the reality of their marriage ending is becoming more real. with talks of moving out and finding places to live, i know that it really is over. they’re done. our family will never be the same and it’s so hard for me to grasp that.
i’ve talked to God about this a lot. and by a lot, i mean like, just about anytime i think about it. i know He loves me and i know He’s taking care of my family. it just sucks haha. maybe i’m being a baby about all of this, i don’t know. what i do know is that i hate to see so much brokenness where there used to be so much love. why can’t duct tape fix my broken heart just this one time?
if you’re reading this, thanks for listening. you’re a blessing and if there is anything i can pray about for you, just lemme know. it will take the focus off of my drama. but seriously, thank you! i never thought i’d be 23 and dealing with my parents’ divorce. i thought that only happened in the movies and that it would never happen to me. my family was great and would never be broken apart. ha. WRONG.
the thing i need to focus on now is to give this to God. i can’t take the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore. i can’t fix it. i need to accept the change and start healing. i’ve been having such a hard time with this, though. so if you’re into praying, i’d appreciate any prayers ya wanna throw up to God for me.
seriously, thanks again for reading this. you really are a blessing! here’s to another day of giving it up to God and letting Him handle problems.
may you all have rest today and enjoy this holiday with your loved ones!
p.s. i know God is taking care of me, because He sends me angels like this to show me love. even on my saddest days, they always give me a reason to smile! 🙂
this is peyton, and she’s beautiful! 🙂